


our souls we bare

by reyloise



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Deserved Better, Ben's dead..... or is he?, Canon Compliant, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Grief/Mourning, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Rey & Rose Tico Are Best Friends, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey deserved better, Rose Tico Deserved Better, The Force Ships It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:00:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22245235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reyloise/pseuds/reyloise
Summary: Every single touch that her body had memorised brought her both pain and bliss as she remembered those last moments. First, the joy of the feeling of his lips pressed against hers, then the pain as he fell back and vanished. Over and over and over. There was no escaping it. Every fibre of her being was now chained to that precise moment in time.Wearing an emotional mask in front of her friends, Rey tries to pick herself up and piece her life together again without Ben. However, just when she thinks she is starting to make sense of everything, she feels a change in the Force.A canon-compliant fix it fic for The Rise of Skywalker because fuck that movie, my dudes.
Relationships: Chewbacca & Rey, Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey & Rose Tico, Rey & Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	our souls we bare

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much TazWren for being my beta! You're an absolute gem

✧ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✧

We sat on the edge  
Of worlds today  
The light of the sundown's on my fate  
And we're tried and true  
Our souls we bare  
You promised to love me for some time

✧ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✧

Rey plastered a smile on her face and joined her friends in an ecstatic and relieved hug. She was good at that, good at hiding the pain. There was a celebration that night - the war wasn’t over, but they were finally able to hope like they hadn’t dared to hope before. The joy permeating the air infected everyone, except Rey. Her grief and shock had built a shield around her and the jubilation of her friends bounced off her, unable to penetrate the wall she had put up.

Ben was gone and, as she had found out later, Leia was also dead. 

And for what? Nothing. 

If Ben had still been alive, standing with her now, Leia’s death wouldn’t have been totally for nothing. Leia had helped bring her son back to the light, but now that he had gone what was the point? 

Watching Ben disappear before her very eyes had brought her an ache like she had never felt before. Her soul mate was gone. Nothing was of value to her any more. She loved her friends, very much, but she felt as if half of her had been ripped away. He had belonged with her just as she had belonged with him. 

Rey could feel herself on the verge of breaking down: the shock was wearing off and a wave of emotions was beginning to crash over her, overwhelm her. Her friends couldn’t see her like this; she didn’t want them to see her like this. They wouldn’t understand. How could they? They only knew Ben as the ruthless Supreme Leader, an entirely different man to the one she had fallen in love with. 

She pulled away from them and Finn gave her a concerned look like he could sense her overwhelming grief. She hoped he would put it down to Leia’s death. After all, they had grown close as Leia had took on the role of master.

“Rey- “

“I’m fine,” she said with a weak smile, “just tired.” She gently pried his hand off her wrist where he had grabbed when she had pulled away. Rey blindly walked away from the group, aimlessly wandering to find a spot where she could mourn in peace. Making her way to the X-Wing, she pulled Ben’s sweater from where she’d stashed it, trembling as she clutched it desperately to her chest. Unbeknownst to her, Rose had wandered away from the festivities to find Rey, though not to celebrate.

Rose had seen Rey’s face with the false smile and the quiet tears that fell when she thought no one could see. She spotted Rey standing in a small clearing, the very air throbbing with her overwrought sadness. Rose saw Rey’s legs give way and ran to catch her friend as she screamed with anger and grief, with fear and devastation. Rey was far enough from the celebration that her screams would not be heard by the rest of the Resistance, but Rose could feel the anguish in the very depths of her soul.

“I’ve got you,” she murmured to Rey as she held her friend in her arms, “I’ve got you, Rey.”

Rey clung to her and sobbed and sobbed as Rose silently rocked her. Of all the people to be there with her and comfort her, Rey was relieved that it was Rose. Eventually, the tears subsided and Rey was left hiccupping and shaking, but even then Rose didn’t let her go.

“This grief isn’t for Leia, is it?” she asked, not unkindly. 

Rey, still unable to speak, shook her head. 

“You’re crying because of Kylo Ren,” Rose said softly - it was more of a statement than a question.

“Ben,” Rey replied quietly, her voice hoarse from screaming, and she held the sweater even tighter. “His name is- was Ben.”

“His name is Ben,” Rose corrected Rey, “just because he’s not physically here doesn’t mean that he isn’t with you, that he isn’t Ben anymore.”

Rey’s lip trembled as her red and puffy eyes met Rose’s shining ones. 

“Oh, Rey,” Rose sighed, pulling Rey close as the latter started to weep again, not as forcefully before but still just as heartbroken.

“How- How did you know?” Rey asked, her face resting on Rose’s shoulder, “That it was Ben?”

“Lucky guess.” Rose gestured to the black sweater. “That looks like something Ky- I mean Ben would wear, and I heard about how he… I heard about what happened. You seem very attached to it, clinging onto someone’s clothes after they’ve… after they’ve gone isn’t the sort of thing you would do for your enemy.”

“You won’t take it away from me will you?” Rey asked in a small voice, “Please don’t let them take it away from me.”

“Why would they?”

“Because... do you really think Poe and Finn would let me keep this? They wouldn’t understand.”

“I would never let that happen, Rey,” Rose said firmly.

“You’re not angry with me?” 

“Why should I be?”

“Because, well, because he was Kylo Ren.”

“Listen to me, no one decides who they fall in love with and I know you’re not a naive person. If you think you saw some good in him-”

“There was good in him,” Rey insisted, “He turned to the light side, he helped me defeat Palpatine. Without him-” her voice broke, before she continued, “without him, I wouldn’t be alive. I died and he used the rest of his life force to bring me back.”

Rose thought for a moment before she said, “Then, that’s good enough for me.”

Rose and Rey remained sitting together until the light started to fade and they had no choice but to return to base. Rose squeezed Rey’s hand comfortingly, “Are you going to be okay?”

“I will be,” Rey said quietly. She had pulled on the sweater as the air had started to get a slight chill and, despite it being not in the cleanest state, it had brought her some comfort. She froze as they caught sight of the base. What would she tell Poe and Finn? They may be oblivious, most of the time, to her emotions but there was no hiding the fact that she had spent the last couple of hours crying. Her face was red and splotchy, her eyes were puffy and practically on the verge of turning scarlet and her breath was still shaky. 

"Don't worry," Rose whispered, "If you want, you can go straight to your room and I can come up with some excuse as to why you're not with us."

"They'll find out eventually." She gave a weak and forced laugh. "No doubt they'll ask whose sweater this is." 

Rose linked her arm with Rey’s and gave her a smile, “You got this.”

✧ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✧

“Where have you guys been?” Finn asked, slightly breathless as he and Poe ran up to the pair, “You’ve been gone for hours.” 

“I just went for a walk to clear my head,” Rey said quietly. 

“You look a mess.”

“Thanks.”

Finn ignored Rey’s sarcastic reply. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine.”

Poe looked Rey up and down before he commented, “Never seen you with that sweater before and that’s definitely not in your size.” He smirked. “Do you have a secret boyfriend?”

Rey burst into tears. “I- I have to go,” she managed to get out before running off. 

“Way to go, Poe.” Rose sighed, before going after their distraught friend. “Rey! Wait up!”.

Poe looked at Finn confused. “Was it something I said?”

Finn shrugged, “Maybe it’s, you know, that time.”

✧ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✧

As Rey opened her bedroom door, Rose caught up to her. Usually there were at least 2 people to every bedroom but Rey had ended up with one by herself. She didn’t mind, as it gave her peace and quiet to meditate at night, but at times she did get lonely. Just seeing the top bunk empty, night after night, reminded her that she was isolated and away from everyone else, especially now with General Organa gone. She was only really known as the poster girl for the resistance, the last Jedi, who was more of a circus attraction than an actual person. Her strength in the force had also scared off a couple of people, especially after one incident when she’d had lost her temper at Ben, who had suddenly appeared in the middle of her training. Hyped up on adrenaline, after being provoked over and over again, she had screamed ‘SHUT UP!” and used the force to throw a chair at someone nobody else could see. Apart from Poe, Finn and Rose, she didn’t really have any friends. 

Rose gently put a hand on Rey’s shoulder, “Do you want me to stay with you for a bit?”

Normally Rey would have said no, but tonight she needed someone, anyone, to stay with her. She knew she wouldn’t be able to face the night alone and Rose had already seen her at her worst, so she nodded tentatively. “You don’t mind do you?”

“You’re like my sister, Rey,” Rose replied, “I’d do pretty much anything for you.”

She led Rey to sit down on her bed, “I’ll be right back, I’m just going to get some things from my room.”

The moment the door closed behind her, Rey lay down on her bed, closed her eyes and wrapped her arms tightly around her, trying to pretend they were Ben’s. She could almost fool herself into thinking he was lying right behind her. 

Rey hadn’t realised she’d fallen asleep until she heard the door clicked shut as Rose came back into the room.

“Oh! I’m sorry,” Rose whispered as Rey sat up, “I didn’t realise you’d fallen asleep.”

“That’s okay,” Rey said, rubbing her eyes, “I need to clean myself up anyway.”

Rose nodded and hoisted herself up onto the top bunk, “Well, I’ll be right here.”

Rey couldn’t help but laugh as she watched her friend wrestling with the bedsheets. It didn’t feel right to laugh considering all that had happened, but she enjoyed the fleeting moment of mirth nonetheless.

Later, after many tears, Rose managed to coax Rey out of the grubby sweater and folded it nicely so that it sat on a chair, next to her bed, just within arm's reach. The minute the lights were flicked off, Rey became hyper-aware of the fact that the only remaining item of her soul mate lay cold next to her. It was in no state to be worn in a clean bed, Rey knew that, but her hands fidgeted as she held back from grabbing it and clasping it tightly against her chest.

Over and over and over, Rey’s mind replayed the moment that Ben disappeared, her hand clutching at thin air. The expression on his face from the moment she drew back from his lips, when he went from a smile and laugh to being expressionless and still. Everything felt so real, even though she knew it was just in her mind. Exegol was now in the past, but it felt like she was physically reliving those precious seconds that were so cruelly snatched away. Even though it wasn’t really happening anymore, that she wasn’t there anymore, he still felt solid beneath her fingertips. Her fingers were haunted by the brush of her thumb over his cheek as he smiled, his ears that secretly she loved but never got the chance to tell him--strange one that but it was true--and his ebony hair. Every single touch that her body had memorised brought her both pain and bliss as she remembered those last moments. First, the joy of the feeling of his lips pressed against hers, then the pain as he fell back and vanished. Over and over and over. There was no escaping it. Every fibre of her being was now chained to that precise moment in time. 

Rose could feel Rey’s tossing and turning beneath her; the bunk was poorly made and with every tiny movement, the whole thing shook. “What’s on your mind?”

“Every time I close my eyes,” Rey’s voice trembled, “I see him.”

“Who? Ky- I mean, Ben?” Rey didn’t reply but Rose took that as confirmation. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No.”

“Do you want to talk about it? Get it off your chest?” Rose popped her head over the side so she was facing Rey upside down, despite the room being pitch black and she couldn’t even see her hand in front of her face. 

“Not really,” Rey sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you dare apologise!” Rose exclaimed, still upside down, “I’ll be right here if you want to talk, wake me up whenever you need.”

Rey just hummed absent-mindedly and tried to close her eyes and keep her mind blank but to no avail. After a few minutes, she heard Rose snore lightly. Not wanting to wake her up again she tried to lay as still as she could. She ended up facing the chair and she swore she could sense the faintest trace of Ben’s force signature on it - barely-there, practically an echo, but she could sense it nonetheless. Maybe it was wishful thinking, maybe she was just going mad, but before she could stop herself her arm shot out and grabbed the black sweater. Wanting to hide it from Rose, should her friend wake up before she did, Rey stuffed it underneath her pillow. She closed her eyes and prepared herself for the worst but, before she knew it, she fell into a deep and dreamless sleep, the idea that Ben was still somehow with her soothing her restless mind. 

✧ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✧

Light streamed through the curtainless window, causing Rey to groan and shield her eyes as they adjusted to the brightness. 

“Morning!” Rose said as she analysed Rey, “How are you feeling?”

Still miserable and as if someone’s ripped out my heart, stomped on it and torn it to shreds for good measure, Rey thought to herself but replied aloud with, “My muscles are killing me.”

She didn’t want to worry Rose again, or be a burden so she took a deep breath and slipped on her mask before she got out of bed. Maybe, now that she wasn’t so tired, she would be able to keep her mask in place a bit better than she had the day before. She could still feel the echo of Ben calling to her from beneath her pillow but she refrained from going back to her bed. If she did, she would never get out of it. 

Rose looked sceptical of Rey’s emotions but thankfully decided to drop the subject. 

“Do you want to come with me for breakfast now or meet up later?” Rose asked as she did her hair, watching Rey through the reflection of the small mirror hanging on the wall.

“I’ll go with you.”

Rose beamed, but Rey could still see the concern in her eyes. “I’ll wait outside.”

Rey started to tie her hair back and considered leaving it in the half-up, half-down style she had worn once the year previous, the day Ben had offered his hand for the first time. However, as she stared at herself in the mirror, a woman she didn’t recognize looked back at her and Rey couldn’t bring herself to wear it like that. Not today. It hurt too much.

✧ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✧

As Rey sat with her friends eating breakfast, she couldn’t stop thinking about Ben. Every time she managed to stop thinking about him it was as if somebody tied a rope around her waist and dragged her back to her original train of thought. 

Poe, Finn and Rose exchanged concerned glances as Rey just sat there, pushing her food around instead of eating, a melancholic look on her face. 

Rose desperately wanted to explain to the other two what was really behind Rey’s behaviour, the fact that her soulmate-- one half of her--had died and vanished in her arms. She couldn’t imagine the pain of being unable to stop it from happening and only being able to watch as the weight of him slowly started to lighten into nothing. To have her hands go from holding something solid to clutching at air. However, it wasn’t her story or her secret to tell. The decision of if, and when, was purely Rey’s choice and Rose knew she had to respect that.

“Are you going to eat?” Rose pressed her. “You have to eat something”. 

Rey looked up abruptly, as if she had forgotten the others were there. “Oh, right,” she took a spoonful of her food, which had by this point turned cold, but she forced it down. She gave them a weak smile, “I’m not really that hungry, I’ll have something a bit later.”

Rey sighed and got up from the table, catching sight of the sympathetic looks on their faces. 

“Rey,” Finn said, quietly, “We can see that you’re working through some stuff, so If you ever need anyone to talk to or-” 

“Please don’t look at me like that, please just stop talking.” Rey looked down, trying to hide the tears that were welling up in her eyes, “I can’t stand it when people pity me.” 

They didn’t understand. The would never be able understand. How could they? Only she alone was to know and bear this grief.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this fix it fic is off to a relatively good start. The title is from the song Carry On by Cœur de pirate


End file.
